The story of us, and you.
Brothers Vindzend and Jebson found a Destiny 2 clan after their introduction by Bugner. Jebson suggests naming the new clan The Gods of Sauce.
Vindzend gets drunk while surfing reddit and comes across a meme depicting Catholics Against Seedless Watermelons and renames the fledgling clan Seedless Watermelon Gang.
Vindzend and Jebson continue their mystical journey throughout Destiny 2 Year 1 and 2. Somehow they survive the Curse of Osiris and the dark times it wroughts upon the community. They enjoy Forsaken. One of them celebrates the death of a certain Exo. One of them courts love with a woman. One of them gets married. The ones are not the same. Which ones? Those ones.
Vindzend builds a gaming PC for the first time in 18 years, and moves his Destiny 2 account onto Steam. He joins a discord server and meets some of the people that would go on to be the earliest cultists. They didn't last. But you did, o reader mine, and it was good. Aiat.
Our fearless leader Vindzend founds what will come to be known throughout the pandemic lands as the Seedless Watermelon Cult. You cannot prove that it is a cult, so don't try. It is merely a discord server where likeminded cultists people discuss the utter destruction common distaste of seeded fruits, particularly melons.
Vindzend and Jebson begin recruiting cultists clanmates to the Seedless Watermelon Cult. They start with friends they know, but ever so slowly the idea of a world without seeded melons takes hold, and the server begins to grow. With the world working from home, new friendships are formed. New cultists are found. New fashion is fashioned.
Guardian9227 arrives to exact revenge for the American Revolution. Intead, we convince him to join our cult cause, where he has become a key member of the Office of Melon Propaganda, and a leading supporter of our 420 seedless melons initiative. His initial objective was later mantled by Daerieus, current monarch of the British Empire, and his right hand associate, Princess Emmilia Psycho III.
It's METAMAN! Metaman, concurrently known as WENDIG0, formerly known as Bl00d, formerly known as the man with a plan with a ham in his hand, begins worshipping the melon. Metaman would go on to become legend within SWC, with his neverending quest for min/max optimization at any cost, he stands alone in absolutely terrifying his enemeies and friends alike, both in Destiny and out. Metaman is the true final boss, the endgame, the fear we made along the way. We stand stronger with him in our ranks, knowing that the Seeded Canteloupe Association trembles in their gardens when they hear his name.
Brad Destiny doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants. Time waits for no man. Unless that man is Brad Destiny. If you spell Brad Destiny in Scrabble, you win. Forever. Brad Destiny breathes air ... five times a day. In the Beginning there was nothing ... then Brad Destiny roundhouse kicked nothing and told it to get a job.
Vincend launches the SWC Starboard initiative and the cultists SWC members promptly begin starring every possible comment made. This results in the highest starred comment of all time simply being a star, with stars, with stars. Star-ception, if you will.
Luna begins her first of many server upgrades wherein she tries to make us look more "professional" and less "cultish" by creating our first server icon. I refuse to show it here because it's more work to link an image. Oh there it is. She also launches our Not-A-Cult (we aren't) merch line, that to this day has donated all profits to St. Jude's to help fund research to eliminate childhood cancer. Because we do care.
SWC hosts one of it's first (drunk) movie night. Vincend gets absolutely obliterated and falls asleep at his desk, where his good friend and trusted confidant Sweet Dick Nick takes a now famous screencap. Luna says it as this moment that she knew she wanted to marry her way to the top of the cult community heirarchy.
One of our finest is seen somewhere around Dallas Texas. We have never figured out who this person was, which is good for them. We're a secretive bunch, you don't go flaunting your sick ass merch in public like that and then getting posted about on Reddit. This is still one of the great mysteries of SWC - IF IT WAS YOU JUST LET US KNOW SO WE CAN STOP CRYING ABOUT IT AT NIGHT KTHX.
FUCK AMERICAN AIRLINES. THAT IS ALL.
I did not threaten to throw a rock at anyone, including FlaminHawk
The scientists in SWC reveal that for each human being on earth, there exist 1.5 million ants. The Office of Seed Extinction allocates each member of SWC their ants. You cannot escape from them, you can only run from them. A few ants infiltrate the server, and can still be found there to this very day.
If you put milk in milk, do you have milker milk? What if you place powdered milk inside existing milk? If you take evaporated milk and mix it with condensed milk, do you get condensed evaporated milk that takes up less space than the original volume of milk? What if you were take powdered milk and snort it, would you become a milkier person?
Wherein SWC debates whether the ocean is soup. Is it soup? Is it nachos? It's probably nachos. But if nachos are nachos, does that make a steak a salad? And if a steak is a salad, then does the milk go before the cereal, or after it? And if it goes before it, does that make Luna anti-cereal or anti-soup? And if Luna is anti-soup, then is your mom an edible if we stuff her with weed?
The British Empire shows its first signs of division - bread. Is a bap a roll? Is a roll a bap? Is a bap a boob? Are boobs cobs? Are cobs made to look like bread or is the bread made to look like the stone? ROCK AND STONE but also Princess Emmilia threatens to kill anyone that disagrees with her. And we believe her
Dadbod and Nda initiate gang-ception within Seedless Watermelon Gang, and resurrect the competing Souteast Beef Jerky Gang and Southwest Beef Jerky Gang. These gangs were destroyed in the First Jerky Uprising of 981 AD. Dadbod asserts that her gang has fun and loves nonsense, while Nda asserts that his gang is both submissive and breedable, but if your breath STANK lil bro don't even look this way. When Dadbod begins to amass more followers, Nda takes to attempted shanghai tactics to force members to join in preparation for a war that never materializes. Kevin asserts that he hates all things beef jerky related and wishes to remain neutral, while Killy-D begins plotting a corportate takeover of SWC itself.
To prevent an attempted hostile takeover, Vincend reveals the hidden machinations of SWC, and all that the Office of Seed Extinction surveys. It's simple really: the office of seed extinction owns Killy Corp, MgRonalds, a watermelon farm, Seedless Watermelon Gang, Seedless Watermelon Cult, and formerly The Murph(tm). The ghost of Murph initiates a two-way petting zoo between the Office of Seed Extinction and Dadbod's cat, who is also the VP of Public Relations and AVP of anal glands. Dadbod's cat and Seedless Watermelon Gang own the formerly active Southeast & Southwest Beef Jerky Gangs, run by Dadbod, and Nda, who is really three racoons in a trench coat eating chinese food. Those racoons also have an ownership stake in an intern guzzling mountain dew and eating cheetos in a closet while furiously masturbating to William's OnlyFans, which is of course all feet and no meat. In turn, Alexa would like to sell Nic's THICC COCK up top dab me up DO NOT BUY A HORSE COCK, but she cannot because the org chart owns everything, including the clown king who owns Shido Inc who owns MgRonalds.
Killy Corp manages to successfully comandeer a channel in the SWC discord server Lies, we allowed it and begins offering hard work for low pay. Interns Employees of Killy Corp are treated to a fair day's wage that they can use in the exclusive Killy Corp Corporate store for items such as asbestos vitamin water, otherworldly fitted tee-shirts, sussy completely acceptable sandwiches, and the all important OFFICIAL BUGNER SAVATHUN NOODS trading cards. Many SWC members fall into the trap and begin gambling their time and souls on the latest edition of Sava-noods. After infiltrating the corporation from within, Jebson initiates a hostile takeover of the hostile takeover, claiming for the OSE permanent ownership of Killy Corp, thus saving SWC from captalism.
SWC welcomes the arrival of the production release version of NicNick99, Stell. NicNick99 still sits at version 0.69, or squarely in beta. On the other hand, Stell is version 1.21, and includes features that the pre-release version lacks, such as empathy, the ability to attract a significant other, and increased financial stability. However, version 1.21 does not carry over version 0.69's ability to deliver a hob-gobblin knob-slobberin-300-silver-double-decker-pecker-wrecker in a back alley.
Prince reveals himself to Luna, cementing his place as our representative for all things Wednesday, my doods.
Opening 2023 and rapidly approaching SWC's third birthday, we re-establish ourselves as an all-inclusive cult community in the world of Destiny 2. Purging ourselves of members who no longer serve the seedless melon, we have recently been recruiting new cultists community members to carry us into 2023 and beyond.
For SWC's birthday, we adopt a new mascot - Lettuce Cat. BOW BEFORE LETTUCE CAT. YOU MUST PLEASE LETTUCE CAT. LETTUCE CAT DEMANDS FEALTY. LETTUCE CAT DEMANDS BLOOD. LETTUCE CAT DEMANDS SACRIFICE. LETTUCE CAT WILL NOT ABIDE SEEDED MELONS.
Our fearless leader marries our other fearless leader from another school, such that the alliance between the New York SWC and the Texas SWC is complete and a single unified cult community of seed-hating lunatics is created, and will endure for all eternity. Cultists travel from around the country to stand in observance, and hams are brought from all corners of the universe. Seances are survived. Love is in the air. Grass is touched. Explosives are not included, but diamonds are.
The Office of Seed Extinction enables the achievement function of our loyal slave bot AI-COM/MEE6. One of these achievements is for reactions applied. Predictably, reacts begin to flood the server as the sweatiest among us forego deodorant for the sake of speedrunning more meaningless, haha prestige. Dance puppets, dance! One react rises above them all: the grapes. THE GRAPES JOHNSON, THE GRAPES. THE FRUIT OF HOPE, THE FRUIT OF DESPAIR. GRAPE ME, FOR IT IS THE GRAPENING! Some say the grapes are still present to this day.
Daerieus ascends to the Office of Melon Propaganda, united the forces of Wales and England against the Americans. Cuckies doesn't believe this will happen and is shocked when it does, but joins forces with Daereius nonetheless. Together, they kick off British Server Hours, in which the imperialists control the server every North American morning while the yanks are at work and Nick is At AnOtHeR ShOw or curing cancer or whatever he does. In an extraordinary display, it takes exactly 37 minutes for the first abuse of power to occur, demonstrating that even though Britain and America are allies, nothing between them has really changed.
Gram revolutionizes human sexuality by introducing the concept of gooning, which is a big W. He spends tremendous amounts of rizz achieving pure sigma bussin no cap status, all fax no printers. Really skibidi, no ohio the ocky way. This renders edging cheugy, but isn't for clout. In a display of not low-vibrational flex, Gram reveals that he spends hours upon hours rizzing and gooning, until he's delulu with thirst for that sweet yeet glow up. RIZZ THE REAL GOAT. EMBRACE THE BRAIN ROT.
Melon Paragons are community members that are wells of knowledge and consistent help across various aspects of Destiny.
Official Monarch of the British Empire
Professional beer photographer.
Shoulder charging dipshit bimbo
For 300 silver he'll do...something.
Uses blink unironically. Enjoys laser-tag.
Note Will help with anything as long as NicNick99 isn't included. Ah. Brotherly love.
Every channel is vent box if you try.
Manifest this, manifest that, manifest some bitches.
Sufferer of chronic back pain
Sha Boing Boing
Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah
General release version of NicNick99
SWG is the OG. The throwback. The whole reason for the founding of SWC. SWG was created by Burt T. Mackin and JEB, and drunkenly named after a meme seen on Reddit. This is the group of Destiny 2 nerds that worship the seedless watermelon while hunting loot and picking up bonus gear from bird-lady. Membership in SWG is not required to join SWC, and we do in fact host D2 players from many different groups. But if you're looking for a group that won't kick you out if life comes up, or if you just want to pick up bonus loot while never talking to a single person ever, SWG has a place for you.
Seedless Watermelon GangSoutheast Beef Jerky has pizzaz. Southeast Beef Jerky has flair. Southeast Beef Jerky unfortunately makes their delicious meats in Dallas, but we'll overlook that. What Southeast Beef Jerky lacks in location, they make up for in their flavors: Smoked, the original taste that made them famous; Korean Q, a knockoff variety of another popular flavor that we won't mention here for legal reasons; Teriyaki, because who can go without that sweet, succlent, classic asian inspired flavor. If you're looking for a group of people that love meat and hate the southwesterly area on a compass, look no further than SEBJ! See Dadbod, A.S.S, for your membership pamphlet today!
Southwest Beef Jerky is submissive. Southwest Beef Jerky is breedable. Southwest Beef Jerky is...exclusive. Led with an iron fist by A.S.S Nda. , Southwest Beef Jerky strives to stand for everything Southeast Beef Jerky hates. Shunning traditional formalities like membership applications, Southwest Beef Jerky conscripts its members, and demands complete loyalty. What they lack in, you know, basic freedom, they address with their flavors: Black Pepper, fresh cracked and caked on the meat like...something sexual; Cajun, spicy, flavorful, like fireworks in your mouth and a burn in your ass; Spicy, because sometimes you just need a good ol' burn in your lips and a runny nose. If you're looking for a group that loves dried meat and animals a little too much, SWBJ is for you!
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